Life Lessons Learned

Are you sitting at your computer again, thinking "Gosh, did she really make another list?!" Yeah, I did. I'm sorry, OK? I like lists. Maybe I have a problem, a compulsion to make lists. How do you feel now? Making fun of someone who has a PROBLEM? That's right up there with:
1.) Pushing down an old lady
2.) Stealing candy from a baby
3.) Not washing your hands after going to the restroom
4.) Not tipping your waitress

Um...so, here's my list of valuable life lessons. May you learn from my mistakes:

1. Logs don't hurt people, people...wait...yes, logs DO hurt people.
2. It's not what outside that matters, it's what is inside that counts. Unless you're hot.
3. Sometimes bad things happen to good people.
4. You can't make someone stay with you. But calling the cops is a great way to make them leave.
5. Shaving anything with a dull razor makes you have to explain what those bumps are.
6. Some girls don't look right with highlights.
7. No girl looks classy in a tube top.
8. Guys aren't looking for a classy girl in the bowling alley at 1:00 on a Saturday.
9. Clear shoes go with any color, and will make everyone think you are a stripper.
10. They WILL tell their friends about that night. Twice.
11. Shampoo that costs 97 cents may smell good, but is no good for your hair.
12. People you want to remember you always sometimes forget you. People you pray won't recognize you will want to talk to you for at least 45 minutes.
13. Sometimes boys lie.
14. When boys tell the truth,I don't believe them.
15. Never make a sex tape. It isn't sexy, you ARE just drunk.
16. If you're talking about breaking up with your boyfriend, make sure he isn't standing behind you with his best friend, arms folded across his chest.
17. They are talking about you.
18. Love is real.
19. Having a baby makes you cry at commercials.
20. People will leave you when you've done nothing wrong.
21. Maps have the ability to lie.
22. Hope is an important accessory to carry with you at all times.
23. So is lip gloss and a brush.
24. Fresh cut grass smells better than any perfume.
25. Rainstorms can happen when there are no clouds.
26. You can love two people at the same time for different reasons.
27. If you're quiet enough, no one will know you threw up. Just slow down on the drinking when you go back out there.
28. All public restrooms are gross.
29. 'a la Cart' means one. 'Al cart' means one and a half.
30. Slap bracelets are awesome.
31. Friends fight.
32. Mother's hurt you on purpose.
33. The New Kids On The Block were always horrible.
34. Pretty girls have problems too.
35. You don't have to be attracted to a guy to really like him.
36. When you must fight, and feel you must insult someone...the combination of the words bitch-ass or ass-bitch go with just about anything.
37. Say go go gadget whenever possible.
38. Vanilla extract does not taste like vanilla.
39. Buy those shoes even if they don't match anything you own. You can find something later.
40. It was Jealousy that killed the cat, not curiosity.
41. Look for a guy that cuddles.
42. What goes around comes around, and was started by the girl down the street.
43. If there is a cop on the side of the road with someone pulled over and Sal and I both say "I know him!" She will always mean the cop, I will always mean the guy getting arrested.
44. Life is out there, whenever you're ready to look for it.
45. Losing weight is hard.
46. Eavesdropping can lead to interesting conversations.
47. Laughing makes you feel better than crying.
48. It's fun to wrap mundane objects and then give them to people as presents.
49. Diamonds aren't my best friend. They sure are shiny though.
50. Although money isn't everything, it makes things easier when you have enough to pay the tab.